Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A Virtual Colonoscopy Tour

I thought I might take the liberty to slip away from a sports opinion for a change and talk about a reason that kept me from posting an article yesterday. I underwent that procedure that all of us, especially men, hate to go through. Ah yes, the ever popular colonoscopy! Webster says that a colonoscopy is an internal look at the colon, and there ain't but one way in that joker baby. You got it, through the backdoor! And the Doc isn't gonna knock before entering! If you've experienced the procedure, this will be oh so familiar to you; if you haven't...just wait. Your time is a-coming! Twenty four hours before your "scope", you go on a clear liquid diet, which I did Sunday. It's really great watching the NFL playoffs while drinking water, Mountain Dew, and/or Ginger Ale. But the thing is, at this point they are "fluids". Once they're called "fluids", the taste even changes. You aren't drinking them because you want to, it's because you have to. Fluids just aren't the same as drinks. Is that like "a name, by any other name, just isn't the same"? Then that evening, you begin drinking the "prep". The drink straight from hell, I kid you not. You can pick any flavor they make, and it's still more than horrible. You know, if it looks like a duck, waddles like a duck, quacks like a duck, then by gosh it must be a duck (you get the point, some things you just can't disguise!) This "prep" leads you to over a million trips to the bathroom of your choice, preferably the one closest to you. When you finally arrive for your procedure, it's like so what?, 'cause you've already given up all hope after about your 700,o00 trip of the ones mentioned above. Anyway, they put you to sleep so it's la-la land at this point. The last but certainly no less agonizing part is the stomach cramps from all the air they pumped into your already tired, worn-out colon, stomach, bowels, etc. (just pick one) during the actual procedure. This all adds up to one heck of a couple of days. So stay tuned, because coming to a "Same Day Surgery' unit near you, is the one and only "Colonoscopy"! And you'll be the star!

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